Where I am Today
I hope you will be encouraged, as am learning more and more each day as I grow closer and closer to my Lord. Most if all I am discovering the freedom and joy that comes from knowing that GOD LOVES ME.'
Oh I've always known it. Jesus has been my BEST FRIEND and SAVIOUR since I was 11 years old. I read the story about the Prodigal Son and the Lost Sheep tonnes of time. The images of my Father (God) running to meet when I let him down, embracing me in His arms. The image of him leaving 99 good sheep to go after me when I go astray, and picking me up again in His arms.But most of my life I have been pretty much a 'goody, goody'. Oh I've made some silly mistakes and had quite a few failures. I have always based the love of others on what I have done and what others thought of my accomplishments - my parents, my husband and even my son.
I can't believe I am admitting this, but I think I felt God's love was like this too.
"But God does not love us because we are good - GOD JUST LOVES US!" Desmond Tutu
"The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with UNFAILING LOVE.... His UNFAILING LOVE toward those who fear Him is as great as the height of heavens above the earth." Psalm 103:9&11
Oh I knew it was unmerited and unconditional, but am not sure I really understood what that meant. How can we - there is no one on earth who has that kind of love? We may see some mothers and fathers who we think come close, who may be willing to give up their lives for their children. Husbands and wives who have been married for 60 years or more - that must be love. I see a lot of children these days who care for elderly parents with a sacrificial love that is just beautiful.
But this love that God has for us, Nobel Peace Prize winner Desmond Tutu says is `amazing, awe inspiring, it leaves you breathless'.
He tells this story.
"On a recent trip to the Solomon Islands we visited the prison there. I told the prisoners, 'God loves you. Do you know that you are the most precious thing in God's sight? God has no one more beautiful than you?' When he left one of his companions said that the prisoners had probably never heard anyone say that of them in a long while, if ever. Yet it is true of them as it is true of each of us."
"For God LOVED the world SO MUCH that He gave His one and only Son, so that EVERYONE who believes in Him will not perish but will have eternal life." John 3:16
This time last year I was finishing my cancer treatment and had been given the 'all clear'. I still had a few reconstruction surgeries to go, and I had lost my smile; but I was ready to get going to do what I love most - get back to teaching. Unfortunately, 12 months later I am still sitting here waiting for work.
In the past 6 months my brain has been playing tricks on me - my thoughts and my words don't always come out clearly. When I read my Bible to my husband, when I try to have a conversation on the phone, when I'm chatting with my doctor or psychologist and most of all when I am trying to teach Bible Stories to my class - stories that I know so well. The scans are all clear. We thought it might have been the treatment, but it turns out it may be the medication.
This black cloud of depression and self doubt have fallen again on me, and I had even given up on my writing. This week I received a call from a Self Publisher group who were interesting in helping me. I spent an hour on the phone with them, and it sounded good, but then I got the email with contract and the COST. I went to bed - a failure, AGAIN. I was no Julia Gillard or Desmond Tutu!!But this time I didn't feel so bad. I didn't feel unloved. I didn't feel like I had let everyone down. I read over again the passage I'd read the night before from Desmond's book: "Where is God When You Fail?"
"The measure by which we judge success and failure is not God's yardstick. In fact, success and failure are more a testament of our own arrogance. We think we know what our lives are meant to be. We think we know how God must use us. We have the plan. When our plan doesn't work out, we are devastated. As our wise friend Oprah Winfrey says, 'We spend so much time staring despairingly at the door that has just closed that we don't notice that HOPE has opened a window."
This year has had it's up's and downs. After the mini tornando hit our property in Avondale, near Bundaberg; we took a trip up to check on the damage. We were a little downhearted to discover our tennants had caused more destruction than than the tornado itself.
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| "Now, I know what goes here." |
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| "Ah, what did you do to my garden? " |
"This is the first job I have to do"
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| "Can't wait to tell the grandkids I've learnt to ride the mower." |
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| "I did all the painting. It's time for me to watch you." |
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| "Now you hold this wall, while I cut this one." |
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| "I love learning new skills. " |
The house was ready for sale. It went up for Auction. Unfortunately - no takers! We have now had to put in new tenants to pay the mortgage, but it is still on the market, just waiting for the Lord's timing.
Our dream to buy our 5th Wheeler and travel around Australia hasn't died, but meanwhile we have moved into another rental property on the Gold Coast, Mark is still working and I am still writing.
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| This is not ours - just our dream - maybe not as big. |
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The Bible, New Living Translation, 1996, Tyndale House Publishers
"Made For Goodness", 2010, Desmond Tutu, Rider Publishers
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